Let's talk about my dating history: It is sucky. If you look up "bad dating history" in the dictionary, you'd find my face next to it. I have never been on a date with someone where something weird hasn't happened or I've found that the person I'm sitting across from at the table isn't a total douche.
My first online match that actually became somewhat of a relationship happened after about six months after being on eHarmony. We shall call this man Nick because he looked like a Nick, even though that wasn't his real name. Nick was definitely opposite from what I usually go for, he was rugged, and manly, loved playing sports and was built pretty well. He was in the Army or Marines or Air Force, I really don't remember which type of service he was in, but he was in one of them.
Before I go any further, let me put into context my life at this point. I was nineteen or twenty, working at Walmart, going to school and hadn't been in a real relationship yet. I'd had a short-term fling with a boy at work who was beyond anything I can comprehend into words. He was pretty much a scrub in the words of TLC and also in the words of TLC "I don't want no scrubs" so it was a short-lived relationship. Ironically, he desperately wanted to be in the same armed forces Nick was in (again, can't remember which). At this point I was also at my ideal weight. I had lost over thirty pounds in the few months prior, and I was proud of myself and for the first time confident in my body.
Now, Nick lived 2 hours away from me so naturally, this relationship would be long distance. Because he was in the armed forces he was required to be on base during the weeks so we talked pretty religiously until we finally could pull our schedules together and meet. We decided we'd meet early on a Saturday because I had to work Saturday evenings at the Wally World. I offered to drive part of the way because the distance was so far and he agreed to meet me in a mall about an hour away from my house.
I showed up at the mall early (as I usually am) and sat around for a few minutes waiting for him to show up. Around the time he was supposed to show up I hadn't heard anything from him. I wondered if he was stuck in traffic so I texted him, thinking he could at least text me if he was sitting in traffic. He didn't respond, so I called my best friend, Lauren who calmed me down as I anxiously awaited his arrival.
One thing you should know about me is that I don't like waiting, as someone who is extremely anxious, waiting is the bane of my existence. I could go from being totally calm to actually hyperventilating in the time it takes for a date to arrive, so naturally him having me wait was not something that sat with me well.
After about twenty minutes past his scheduled arrival time he told me he was a few minutes away and that he was stuck in traffic and he couldn't text me. I was happy he chose not to text me, putting his safety first, and though I was having a panic attack while on the phone with my best friend who was 300 miles away in Boston, I remained as composed as I could.
Twenty more minutes later he finally showed up. I was nervous but remained cool and calm, something nowadays I rarely am. I met him at the door and was pleasantly surprised with the fact he looked a lot like his picture, maybe even more handsome. As soon as he greeted me he told me he had to go to the bathroom. I understood, it was a long drive however, after ten minutes of him not leaving the bathroom I wondered if something was wrong.
I texted Lauren once again, explaining that after he made me wait forty minutes for him to arrive, he had now been in the bathroom for ten minutes. She once again calmed me down while I thought up extreme situations. "He was doing heroin, which would make sense as to why he was late, he was in such a need for another hit, he had to pull over and take a shot of heroin, and now he was in the bathroom doing another shot of heroin because he needed to calm down, or maybe, worse than that he was on the phone with his friend saying I was a total cow and he needed to make an escape quick. I panicked for the next five minutes until he finally came out."
I was comforted by the fact he didn't seem uninterested, rather he seemed quite interested and wanted to get to know me. I was pleased and totally excited about the possibility of a new relationship however, just as I was getting comfortable, low and behold he had to go to the bathroom again. Suddenly, the heroin addiction didn't seem too far-fetched. "Wait, do heroin addicts really need to take heroin this much? I mean every fifteen minutes is kind of extreme. Could he even be in the armed forces if he was a heroin addict? Do they drug test you? What if he got in before he became addicted to heroin? How often do they drug test you?"
This bathroom routine happened at least four more times and after a while I just assumed he'd be going to the bathroom every fifteen minutes. I even wondered if I should set my watch to remind him. "Oh, Nick, its been fifteen minutes you should go to the bathroom to get another hit of heroin." After the fourth or fifth time he finally told me he had to keep going to the bathroom because he was so nervous and making himself sick. I thought, awww, how precious, this guy isn't addicted to heroin, he's just really anxious.
Things ended soon after he told me he wasn't a heroin addict; I had to go to work, he had to drive back to base. I was sure he would kiss me after the date was over but he didn't, which, looking back on it is fine because if he was making himself sick through the mouth end, I probably wouldn't enjoy kissing him anyway. He later told me he didn't want me to get the wrong idea about him (i.e. he was just in it to get laid).
We made plans to meet the next weekend, but because my work schedule didn't offer me weekends off he decided to stay at a hotel close to my house. It was nice getting to spend the whole weekend with him and after being with him every moment, except the moments when I had to go to work, I knew he wasn't a heroin addict, which was comforting.
We had a great weekend and I was throughly pleased with how amazing the relationship was going. I went to work the afternoon after he left feeling excited and happy. I was in the middle of working when I got a text message from Nick. It read that he really liked me, but that maybe I should consider losing some weight. No joke, that is literally what the text message read. I was enraged that number one, this guy who wasn't exactly perfectly fit either (he was skinny, but had a tiny belly and definitely could've gained some muscle) would tell me I needed to lose weight and number two that he would do it over text message, not in person, I mean we had been in person the entire weekend.
I was so mad and told Nick I was done. No matter how great I thought the weekend was, I wouldn't get over this, not after losing all this weight and feeling so good about myself. I vowed to never speak to him again and went home, had a good cry and fell asleep.
The next morning I headed to class, still sad/angry but ready to get on with my life. After I arrived home I heard a knock at the door and went downstairs to answer it only to find a bouquet of roses in my face. The note read that he was sorry and would never hurt me again. Of course, like an idiot, I forgave him.
The next part of the story I'm not proud of. As a human who has experienced many different relationships and dates, I know I would never do this to someone, but as a nineteen or twenty year old happy I finally met a "good" guy, this seemed totally logical.
I became a stage five clinger. Maybe it was because I was still upset about the whole "fat" comment, maybe it was because I just wanted to be loved, either way, I clung to Nick like he was my lifeline. In my defense though, he never once stopped it. We made plans together, we talked about our future, we told each other we loved the other, I was so happy I couldn't contain myself. It was embarrassing to be quite honest. The weekend he left I cried for hours and he hugged me and I was finally happy I had a boyfriend, despite the fact we'd only been together a month.
We decided to take a weekend off from seeing each other however, I noticed pretty quickly that things were not the same, he rarely texted me back, and wasn't speaking to me at all. I wondered what was going on but decided to let the weekend pass before asking him if everything was okay.
That Monday I got up the courage to ask if he was mad at me. He at first, didn't want to explain himself but finally told me that he didn't really like me all that much, and that he didn't want to be in a relationship. I really can't remember everything he said but I was heartbroken. I left the most embarrassing message on Lauren's phone that I seriously hope was deleted the moment she got it. I cried and cried and tried to reason with him but nothing I said would change his mind.
Our final conversation was him telling me that we should be friends and help each other during our next relationships, which you know, is BS. He then told me that he had many pointers, like the fact I shouldn't text back so fast. This comment stayed with me, and if I had been in the right frame of mind would've set me off because number one, a text message is a text message, you get it, you reply, YOU DON'T LET IT SIT THERE BECAUSE IT SEEMS DESPERATE. Number two, if I don't text back right away I will forget, so it's either I text back when I get the message or your luck sucks bro, you'll never hear from me.
I learned a lot from this "relationship." First of all, if a guy smells like an a-hole, and looks like an a-hole, he probably is an a-hole. Second of all, if someone upsets you for their own sake, seriously, dump them, they don't get to be the one who you're vulnerable with. Third of all, I'm not comfortable holding a tall person's hand in public, because I personally feel that I look like a child holding her daughter's hand *shivers*.
I've changed a lot since that relationship. If Nick talked to me today he would get an ear full of anger and frustration. How dare someone tell me how to live my life or try to put me down to lift themselves up. Nick was an a-hole, there weren't two ways about it, right down to the way he told me I shouldn't "text back so quick." However, he was a learning experience, and though he would get an earful of anger, I'd probably also thank him for teaching me something about life and the world of dating.
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